What NOT To Say To A Woman Going Through A Divorce
- August 15, 2018
- By Celia Ybarra
- 0 Comments
& on today's episode of Celia Brews It Over... What not to say to a woman going through a divorce.
Yes, all of the below are things people said to me when they began to learn I had filed for a divorce.
Your best-friend, daughter, sister, or co-worker may not tell you it is hurtful or not okay, but I'm here to tell you for them. They have enough that they're dealing with. If you can't offer an ear, or shoulder, then just zip your lips.
How could you break a promise like that? Yes, marriage is a huge promise. For better or for worse. But when someone has been unfaithful to you, when you've constantly had to fight for your place in the marriage against a "friend" & when you've been the one putting in all the effort and begging them to please read an article, read a book, or go to therapy with you and they won't. There's only so much you can do on your own to keep that promise. Eventually you break. My break happened after I completely lost myself in my marriage. I had no idea who Celia was anymore. What I stood for, what I believed, who I could trust, heck I couldn't even tell you what I liked or liked to do. I did everything in my power to keep my promise. & I'm sure your friend did too.
Marriage is hard, no one said it would be easy. I highly doubt anyone got married thinking this is going to be easy. We all know it is going to be hard. You're combining two lives. Your friend isn't divorcing because it wasn't easy. You may not ever know the true reason why they decided to get divorced. Especially if they have kids.
Why didn't you try harder? I gave everything to my marriage. I tried everything possible. Read every book I could get my hands on. Even the ones that didn't sit well with me. I searched every corner of the internet on how to be a good wife, how to love him more, how to choose to love them, and how to fall back in love with them. Because everyone says that love and marriage is a choice.
You're probably being too harsh. Maybe. But, maybe not. If this is your friend, give them the benefit of the doubt. Remember, you may not know the full story. My friends and family started learning about what was happening little by little, piece by piece. & still to this day, almost two years after we separated I'm still remembering things that happened behind closed doors & things friends said to try to make me see little red flags that I missed.
Be prepared to lose friends and maybe your family. Although this is true, and sometimes by choice to protect your energy or safety, let a therapist tell them this. Perhaps just let them know that not everyone will be a part of their support circle, and that's okay.
Let me know when you're ready to date. Guys. This is not what your chick friend wants or needs to hear. Although this helped with confidence, it made me sad every time. What I wanted was to know that I was safe and supported. Wait until some of the anger, grief and confusion has passed. I'll tell you right now, anyone that told me this was immediately black listed from my dating pool.
I can't believe you'd walk away from the life he could give you. This floored me. You don't always know how the finances work. Most people thought I was a stay at home wife. I don't usually talk about my day job on any of my social media profiles. & most days I cooked 3 meals a day. My day job doesn't make me rich, but it affords me a decent life. He wasn't giving me a life. He made more money than me but not SO much that I could never afford life on my own. Even if that was the case, money isn't a reason to stay, ever. Especially if the relationship is extremely unhealthy.
You should/shouldn't date for X amount of time. Only work on yourself. Let her do what she wants/needs to do. The timeline is different for everyone. Yes, she may do some stuff that's destructive. Let her get it out of her system. Be. There. For. Her. Without judgement. I didn't sleep around with a lot of guys. But, I believe I've already mentioned it on here, my husband wouldn't touch me for months. Months, y'all! We've got needs! I felt crazy, and confused. I knew something about me was attractive, I could see the way other men would look at me or even notice when men made blatant passes at me. So why wasn't my husband sleeping with me? To be desired was part of my healing process and part of working on myself. I needed to get comfortable with my own sexuality again. & yes, she knows she needs to work on herself. She doesn't need to be a nun to do this. Because I fully believed I was 100% of the problem in the marriage, I had been working on myself hardcore not even a year after we got married. I had a head start, but I was still working on me daily, even if I was dating.
Things he said to me in order to break me down and get me to come back to him.
I hope you get your life together. I felt like my life was in shambles but I knew better. My support circle also played a massive role in making sure I knew I had my life together and my feelings were just that. Feelings. They reminded me that although I didn't own the place I was in. I had a nice place, a car, my things, my kitties, and my career that was affording me to provide a life for myself.
You're a whore. It was okay for him to sleep with someone, but when he found out that I started dating #CarGuy, I was a whore.
You have no friends. In addition to telling me I needed to get rid of my therapist, & push my parents away he told me that I didn't have friends. Hmm. Well who were the girls that were making sure I woke up every day? Who were the girls making sure I had lunch/dinner even if it was just a little bit? Who were the girls making sure I went out from time to time? Isolation is an abusers best weapon. & my girls weren't going to allow that anymore.
You're an idiot. This was his favorite way to insult me. Everything I had to say was stupid & I was an idiot. He made sure to constantly remind me I never had the chance to finish my degree.
You might be asking yourself, how does any of the above make you want him back? I would learn that these were all tear down tactics. Ways to try to get me to feel bad about myself, and make me believe I was unworthy. If I felt bad about myself and unworthy, then I would likely do what was comfortable and go back to all I had ever known.
Regardless of anything that happened, having #CarGuy in my life and my support circle was everything!
