Celia Brews It Over

Happy October! I hope you are all doing well! & if you're not, remember my inbox is always open. I'm not a licensed anything, but I do declare a judgement free zone and an open ear to listen.

I have taken some time to myself and haven't been blogging much. I've had my own thing that I've needed to work through again, so I got silent, and reflective & I'm here. I'm not sure I will write about it, now or ever. But I want you to know that I am okay, safe, and healthy.



One June 27th, 2017 I saw a new therapist who, although sometimes we butt heads, was exactly the therapist I needed in my life.

I made the decision to see her for the following reasons: 
1. I didn't want to feel the guilt of ending my marriage for the rest of my life.
2. I didn't want to wake up every day feeling like I had DIVORCED stamped on my forehead.
3. I didn't want to care/love my ex-husband anymore.
4. I didn't want to punish myself and/or others who came into my life for his mistakes.
5. I wanted to know how/why I ended up in an abusive marriage and didn't see it.


The Guilt of Ending my Marriage: 
I've mentioned it before, coming from a Hispanic & Catholic family made the decision to end my marriage insanely hard. I worried endlessly about what my family would think. & how disappointed in me they would be. During therapy we went over everything in my marriage and even how the relationship was before marriage. It was here that I learned it wasn't healthy from the beginning. We also went over what was done to try to help/mend the marriage.  In these discussions she helped me get rid of the guilt. I had done everything I could to try to repair/salvage/make our marriage better. I know you may think but Celia, marriage isn't an I think it's a we/us thing. This is true, but when your partner won't work to make things better, change behaviors, respect boundaries, respect your opinion/requests, seek knowledge on how to be a better spouse/partner, then all you can do is focus on your part. Once I realized and I mean really realized that I could not control his behavior, only mine. Then the guilt left me, I had done everything within my power.

Waking up with Divorce stamped on your forehead: 
It may seem completely silly, but, in private conversations I've had with others who have been divorced, you literally wake up in the morning feeling like someone stamped DIVORCED right in the middle of your forehead. It was the first thought on my mind every day. I am divorced. I've gotten divorced. I'm one of those people. My marriage failed. I failed. I can't pinpoint the day, but I just remember thinking one day Hey my first thought today wasn't that I was divorced! I remember the next time I went into my therapy session I said this so happily! It was huge for me!







I had my last therapy session on February 27, 2018.

I didn't expect to walk in there and it be my last day with my therapist. It was a sad moment, but my goodness it was a high five, jump up in the air, I DID IT moment too.

Here is what I learned during my time with her:

1. I shine bright like a diamond. I am a catch & I am in my prime! 
Regardless of the fact that I was dating, I would still catch myself talking down on myself. I knew I was worthy, but I didn't know I was worthy. If that makes any sense at all. My ex-husband had put so much garbage in my head in order to break me down & when I asked him my he loved me the only thing he could give me was "you're hot." - that by the end of it my mind was foggy. Through my sit down sessions with her and chats with my support circle I came to realize and really realize that I'm a freakin' prize! Although I don't currently own my own home, I have a roof over my head that I put there. I have a car that I pay for. I have food I put on my own table. I have a career. Although I don't have a piece of paper for it, I have an education and am a smart cookie! I have a huge heart and goals so big that they scare me. I take care of my body. Self-care and self-love is my number one priority. & I am more than just an object.
2. I can't love a man/be loved by a man who is abusive, an alcoholic or an addict. 
Movies and books make such a love story and fairy tale about a woman with a kind heart healing a broken man. Nah, girl. He needs to heal himself. He has to do the work himself. You can't love a broken man into a good man. I learned that I was entering the same cycle over and over with the men I was choosing to date. At the core, they were the same. I have a caregiver personality & can be an enabler to their behaviors. I learned the abuse cycles & how to gauge the behaviors of others + their habits with alcohol/drugs.   
3. My personality - Type A, Caregiver with a Wild Spirit. Nice Girl.
I am 100% a Type A. I like plans. I like every single moment planned out and could plan my life for the next 10 years and I'd be happy. I'd also trigger my anxiety like whoa!
I have a Caregiver personality that tends to attract the broken. Hence the guys I was attracting in the past.
I have a side of me that conflicts with my Type A personality. I like to throw caution to the wind. I like to go off on adventures whether far or near and just go with the flow. I've got a Wild Spirit.In 2017, I actually threw all plans out the window and did go with the flow. It was nice, but in 2018 I've combined the two.
Nice girl. This was the hardest part of myself to look at. Nice girl, isn't a compliment. I was a door mat not just to men, but in my friendships as well. Eye opening book that I'll do a review on soon, The Nice Girl Syndrome - Stop Being Manipulated and Abused and Start Standing Up for Yourself 
4. Anxiety & Depression. Al-Anon. Red flags.
I was firm that I do not want to be on medications for my anxiety, long term. I do not look down on them or those who do go the medication route. But anxiety and depression are not a one size fits all. & trust me there were some weeks I told my therapist that I just wanted to be given a pill again. I learned that my anxiety, although we thought it was triggered initially because of Hurricane Ike... it was actually the environment I was in when I moved in with my ex-Father-in-Law. He was a functional alcoholic. It continued on when I continued the relationship with my ex-husband & not listening to my gut that it was not a healthy relationship. My anxiety would flare up during my relationships with #CarGuy and #DrummerBoy as a way to tell me caution! caution! red flags! I learned to identify red flags. To keep my eyes open. When I did Al-Anon I learned to ask myself the hard questions and was reminded, I can only control me. Other people's behaviors are not my responsibility or a reflection of myself. I learned that most of the time, when I fall into my anxiety hole... it's usually because I am not engaging in the acts that I know keeps my anxiety under control. I also learned to surround myself with others who are healthy / take control of their own lives. 

I could keep going and going. Therapy was well worth the investment, but I did a lot of work outside of therapy. You can go, but if you don't do the work every single day to heal yourself... you won't see the results. 

If you have any questions at all... please don't be shy, my inbox is always open. 

xo, 
Cel 

& on today's episode of Celia Brews It Over... What not to say to a woman going through a divorce.

Yes, all of the below are things people said to me when they began to learn I had filed for a divorce.

Your best-friend, daughter, sister, or co-worker may not tell you it is hurtful or not okay, but I'm here to tell you for them. They have enough that they're dealing with. If you can't offer an ear, or shoulder, then just zip your lips.


How could you break a promise like that? Yes, marriage is a huge promise. For better or for worse. But when someone has been unfaithful to you, when you've constantly had to fight for your place in the marriage against a "friend" & when you've been the one putting in all the effort and begging them to please read an article, read a book, or go to therapy with you and they won't. There's only so much you can do on your own to keep that promise. Eventually you break. My break happened after I completely lost myself in my marriage. I had no idea who Celia was anymore. What I stood for, what I believed, who I could trust, heck I couldn't even tell you what I liked or liked to do. I did everything in my power to keep my promise. & I'm sure your friend did too. 

Marriage is hard, no one said it would be easy. I highly doubt anyone got married thinking this is going to be easy. We all know it is going to be hard. You're combining two lives. Your friend isn't divorcing because it wasn't easy. You may not ever know the true reason why they decided to get divorced. Especially if they have kids. 

Why didn't you try harder? I gave everything to my marriage. I tried everything possible. Read every book I could get my hands on. Even the ones that didn't sit well with me. I searched every corner of the internet on how to be a good wife, how to love him more, how to choose to love them, and how to fall back in love with them. Because everyone says that love and marriage is a choice. 

You're probably being too harsh. Maybe. But, maybe not. If this is your friend, give them the benefit of the doubt. Remember, you may not know the full story. My friends and family started learning about what was happening little by little, piece by piece. & still to this day, almost two years after we separated I'm still remembering things that happened behind closed doors & things friends said to try to make me see little red flags that I missed.


Be prepared to lose friends and maybe your family. Although this is true, and sometimes by choice to protect your energy or safety, let a therapist tell them this. Perhaps just let them know that not everyone will be a part of their support circle, and that's okay.


Let me know when you're ready to date. Guys. This is not what your chick friend wants or needs to hear. Although this helped with confidence, it made me sad every time. What I wanted was to know that I was safe and supported. Wait until some of the anger, grief and confusion has passed. I'll tell you right now, anyone that told me this was immediately black listed from my dating pool.


I can't believe you'd walk away from the life he could give you. This floored me. You don't always know how the finances work. Most people thought I was a stay at home wife. I don't usually talk about my day job on any of my social media profiles. & most days I cooked 3 meals a day. My day job doesn't make me rich, but it affords me a decent life. He wasn't giving me a life. He made more money than me but not SO much that I could never afford life on my own. Even if that was the case, money isn't a reason to stay, ever. Especially if the relationship is extremely unhealthy. 

You should/shouldn't date for X amount of time. Only work on yourself. Let her do what she wants/needs to do. The timeline is different for everyone. Yes, she may do some stuff that's destructive. Let her get it out of her system. Be. There. For. Her. Without judgement. I didn't sleep around with a lot of guys. But, I believe I've already mentioned it on here, my husband wouldn't touch me for months. Months, y'all! We've got needs! I felt crazy, and confused. I knew something about me was attractive, I could see the way other men would look at me or even notice when men made blatant passes at me. So why wasn't my husband sleeping with me? To be desired was part of my healing process and part of working on myself. I needed to get comfortable with my own sexuality again. & yes, she knows she needs to work on herself. She doesn't need to be a nun to do this. Because I fully believed I was 100% of the problem in the marriage, I had been working on myself hardcore not even a year after we got married. I had a head start, but I was still working on me daily, even if I was dating. 



Things he said to me in order to break me down and get me to come back to him.

I hope you get your life together. I felt like my life was in shambles but I knew better. My support circle also played a massive role in making sure I knew I had my life together and my feelings were just that. Feelings. They reminded me that although I didn't own the place I was in. I had a nice place, a car, my things, my kitties, and my career that was affording me to provide a life for myself.


You're a whore. It was okay for him to sleep with someone, but when he found out that I started dating #CarGuy, I was a whore.


You have no friends. In addition to telling me I needed to get rid of my therapist, & push my parents away he told me that I didn't have friends. Hmm. Well who were the girls that were making sure I woke up every day? Who were the girls making sure I had lunch/dinner even if it was just a little bit? Who were the girls making sure I went out from time to time? Isolation is an abusers best weapon. & my girls weren't going to allow that anymore.


You're an idiot. This was his favorite way to insult me. Everything I had to say was stupid & I was an idiot. He made sure to constantly remind me I never had the chance to finish my degree. 

You might be asking yourself, how does any of the above make you want him back? I would learn that these were all tear down tactics. Ways to try to get me to feel bad about myself, and make me believe I was unworthy. If I felt bad about myself and unworthy, then I would likely do what was comfortable and go back to all I had ever known.

Regardless of anything that happened, having #CarGuy in my life and my support circle was everything! 

I mentioned in my separation post that I walked into a doctor's appointment and was told "you're an abused spouse." 



I was shaking when I walked into her exam room. As soon as I opened my mouth I started sobbing uncontrollably. I told her that I thought I needed to be on anti-anxiety medication again, but I was scared because before it had made me feel like a zombie.

She asked me what was going on in my life and I told her that I was currently separated and about to file for divorce, that my soon-to-be ex had made the appointment for me because he felt I needed to be medicated.

She immediately told me that I was exhibiting signs of an abused spouse. The uncontrollable shaking, continuous vomiting, uncontrollable crying, lack of appetite, and becoming paralyzed when I needed to get the ball rolling on certain tasks.

The fact that he had called in to have me medicated was a huge red flag.

I should also mention she had seen him a couple weeks prior. So she knew both of us and both sides of what was happening.

She asked me to explain to her what was going on during the separation. I explained to her the rules we established in our therapy session, explained to her all his behaviors, showed her texts, emails, and even let her listen to his voicemails. I told her about his admittance to an affair during our sessions and let her know that they were now public as well.

She walked out of the room, came back in and then started a report. She told me "you're an abused spouse and you're exhibiting all the signs of a battered woman trying to get away." She had the front desk staff put on alert, and then locked all my files so he couldn't try to use my doctor's appointment as a way to stall the divorce.

She told me that he was acting the way he was, because he was losing control over me and couldn't handle it.

What neither of us knew was that this doctor specialized in the care of abused women.

As we went through everything that had happened during the separation and what had gone on during the marriage she suggested a few books, & suggested a therapist for me.

She told me that there was a lot of damage done that I couldn't even see yet. First I needed to see a therapist to help me heal, and I needed to learn how to establish boundaries.

She didn't understand why the marriage counselor was allowing my ex to act the way he was, SHE wasn't establishing clear boundaries for him and wasn't creating a safe space for me. She was pretty livid about this.

She gave me a prescription for anti-anxiety meds to help me get a grasp and simply be able to function so I could get out.

I left my appointment pretty stunned. Me? I was an abused spouse? But he never touched me... I'm a strong woman. My girlfriends come to me to ask about relationship advice.

When I got back to my car I had already missed texts and calls from him wanting to know what the doctor had said and what medication she had put me on. I was hesitant to answer him, but once I felt safe in my own space I told him (why, I'll never know) that she told me I was an abused spouse.

He laughed and told me that I wasn't an abused spouse, she didn't know what she was talking about. Then proceeded to tell me that I needed to get rid of my friends, because they weren't my friends. & that I needed to separate myself from my parents because they didn't want what was best for me. He told me that I should know that he was the one that loved me the most and wanted the best for me.

I wouldn't schedule the appointment with my new therapist for a couple more months, but I can tell you I sure was glad I did because I learned SO much. Hey! I'm not crazy!

My background during this time period: 
Going through a nasty divorce.
Diagnosed as an abused spouse. (Mental & Emotional)
Struggled with anxiety since 2008.
Struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts during my separation and divorce.
Discovered I had lived with a functional alcoholic for 2 years.


Life Coaching: 
My Life Coach's role was to help me get every ounce of my confidence back. She was there to help push me forward in my love life, encourage me in my career, make sure I had a good group of family & friends around all while rediscovering who I was and learning to establish my boundaries. Essentially she was my biggest cheerleader when my whole world was shattered & I didn't think I was deserving of much when I was in my dark hole. She was my biggest cheerleader when dating was going wrong and she empowered me to know that I deserved more. She also taught me how to be savage, and take my own power back when I needed to.

Therapist: 
Couples: As a last ditch effort to save our marriage my ex-husband wanted to do therapy. This was something I had begged him to do for years, but he thought he knew everything so we didn't need to go. During these sessions it was the therapist's job to see if the marriage was salvageable, healthy, and if we were both still in it. We had sessions together and sessions separate. It was during this time that she recognized some of his, less than favorable behavior. In our separate sessions I was able to speak openly and freely. In aligning our stories she was able to tell me that the insecurities I was feeling at certain year marks & my desperation to hold on to my marriage aligned with his confession of an affair with #HomeWrecker. My insecurities was my gut talking to me. I learned here that our gut never lies. It was during this time I was able to tell her that as much as I had wanted to fight for my marriage, I couldn't anymore. I was tired, and I was constantly in a battle with #HomeWrecker since the beginning of our relationship & I was ready to let go. After the divorce was finalized, I learned that our therapist... was an intern. This explained a lot and you'll learn more once I get into what happened during the separation.

Just me: My therapist's role was to help me heal, discover what was going on in my marriage, for how long & the extent of the damage. In the beginning we focused on the here and now, then it moved to my thoughts on the future & find my way back to my faith, then we dug into my past. I learned how to recognize red flags, I learned my personality type, I learned the abuse cycle and I learned the narcissist personality, I learned how to ensure I don't let myself fall into an abusive relationship again & I learned what it is when your gut is talking to you and how to listen to it. I learned about what things in a career would make me happy, I learned that I'm actually an extrovert, I learned I don't have social anxiety, I learned the traits/characteristics that are important for someone I'm dating to have in order for it to be a successful relationship. We also monitored my anxiety and depression. This was important because you don't want to medicate/over medicate when you're dealing with situational anxiety/depression.
Being both Catholic and Hispanic, making the choice to end my marriage and choose myself was a battle. I spent so many moments crying to myself over the duration of about 2 years. I never spoke to anyone about what was going on.

Once it was done, and once I had multiple doctors telling me I exhibited signs of an abused spouse, I knew that I would need help. I didn't want to feel the way I felt for the rest of my life and I didn't want to carry the damage forward into any other relationships I might have. It wouldn't be fair to the new guy to be punished for what had happened in my marriage. I also knew the state I was in wasn't good for my family & friends. I felt like they felt I was a ticking time bomb and had to keep a close watch on me. & to be honest, they did & I was very lucky to have them.

The key to both therapy and life coaching is for you to be open and honest. You have to get very real with yourself. No matter what, you have to own your own actions that have put you  into the place that you currently are, and that can be really hard. Remember that you and your life coach and/or therapist are a team. My therapist and life coach knew about each other, this was helpful because during our sessions they would each ask about each other and ask what the other had to say. This helped them both stay in alignment and getting me on the right healthy path.

Until next time, XO.
-Cel

Today was a big day in my divorce recovery process! A huge day! There comes a time that your therapist thinks you're equipped to fly on your own & today I saw my therapist for the last time.

We haven't had much to talk about my last few sessions, but we have had some breakthroughs during them. We made some connections, and discovered why I was and am the way I am. I'll talk more about these soon as I tell you about my journey with my therapist and my life coach.

Today though, today we figured out my anxiety that I've had since '08 wasn't necessarily linked to Hurricane Ike like I had thought. It may have played a small role, but it came on because of my ex-husband and his ways, and living with my ex-father-in-law, who was a functional alcoholic. I didn't know that at the time, it took dating a couple people who have drug/alcohol addictions (I'll fill you in on why addicts are attracted to me soon.) and me getting involved with Al-Anon at the suggestion of my therapist to piece it all together.

I've been seeing my therapist for 8 months, to the date. The time has flown by. It has been 15 months since my separation and 10 months since my divorce was finalized.

Know that every divorce and recovery process is different. There are so many factors that can speed up and slow down your recovery process. I started the process of gaining my strength and diving into personal development 2 years prior to my separation. I also put in a lot of work outside of therapy to ensure that moving forward I am the best version of myself for myself, my friends, my family, and eventually that special someone.

I'll call on my therapist when I need her & likely see her on an annual basis just to check in.

Today's milestone was something I wasn't expecting, but am so very happy for! I texted my support group as soon as I found out!

Until next time.



Abrazos y besitos,

Celia