As soon as my ex-husband and I separated I started dating my best guy friend, and my ex went public with #HomeWrecker. ( <-- in case you're new here, this is what she called herself. )

Dating my best guy friend just seemed natural. We were already super close, we had a great time when we hung out and he supported me in my career, educational, and physical goals.

I had told my therapist about us and she was happy I had him in my life but also wanted to prepare me that he could be just for now. It was likely that he was my transitional "relationship". Often when you separate/divorce your first "relationship" is just there to help you transition.

I told her we were taking it slow, seeing where it went, but I also didn't want to believe that this was just a transitional "relationship". This was my closest guy friend, at this point it would mean if the relationship ended then I would lose the friendship as well.

I fell for him and then had to pull my head out of the clouds and choose myself again. 

Early on things went pretty well, if I wasn't with my parents or best friend I was with him. I went through a time that I didn't really eat (I dropped over 40lbs in about 6wks) and when we were out he always ordered appetizers or food that I could pick off of. I felt safe when I was with him.

We had our first fight and because we had so much to drink I don't even know what it was about. I just remember coming to and I was crying, I was walking around my apartment parking lot and on the phone with my best friend expressing how upset I was. This is probably when I should have ended everything, but I was a mess of emotions. She had called him & instead of trying to console me he told her I just needed to sleep it off. Then he blocked me from being able to communicate with him. Asshole move.

A few days later we met up to talk it out, a little hard considering that neither of us really knew why we got into an argument. During this conversation he had told me that he wasn't ready for "all that lovey dovey stuff" it was too soon, we were at about 6 months in at this time. In my therapist's eyes, he was saying he wasn't interested in a relationship & I needed to walk away. 

Fast forward towards the end. His friends (usually girls) would ask me what we were because they would ask him and he wouldn't give them a straight answer. Honestly, I couldn't tell them either. We never really had a talk. Just agreed that we weren't sleeping with anyone else. In 2017 does that mean you're in a relationship? Most of the time he introduced me as his friend, & usually it was only his coworkers and bosses that referenced me as his girlfriend.

After I had broken things off, his friends told me "he just told us 'we broke up' " to which I thought, oh, okay, we were in a relationship... because you can't break up if you're not. 

Looking back I kind of wish we would have waited to date, because I feel like he only had a shell of who I am. Immediately following a separation/divorce there are a lot of emotions flying around. I also called him my ex-husband's name at the most inopportune time. Even though my therapist had told me that this was normal and was likely to happen at this point, I still felt horrible about it.


Here's what I learned from this relationship (red flags): 
- If a guy yo-yo's you or you have to question his interest, he's not interested. Or he's only interested in the sex. 
- If a guy tells you he's an alcoholic/addict, is in recovery, has been in recovery, and he is still drinking/using. He can't truly love/care for you. He just isn't capable. You'll always come second to the drugs/alcohol.(You can read my post about Al-Anon here)
- If a guy tells you he's not ready for the lovey-dovey stuff, but he's still having sex with you. He's not ready for or looking for a relationship. 
- If you catch them getting dating app notifications / sliding into other girl's DMs and they tell you "you're trippin'" and they're just f*cking with people. They're not being loyal. & why would you want to be with someone who takes joy in playing with other people's feelings anyway?  
-If their closest friends don't know if you're friends with benefits, dating, or in a relationship. Red freakin' flag. 
-If girls start freaking out on you about defining the relationship odds are there's something going on there. 
-If he takes the side of other women when drama starts up, (see above) end it.
 
Here's what I learned from this relationship (the positives): 
- Not every second of my time has to be planned. 
- Being spontaneous can have a day/weekend end with having the best time. 
- I gained back confidence with my own sexuality. 
- When a guy truly likes you, he takes the time/effort to learn all the little things.  
- It's okay to sleep in, to stay in bed all day, and it's definitely okay to take time for you.  
- Get quiet and listen to your intuition. - This was one thing #CarGuy was freakishly good at. He is actually one of the first people to speak up about my own red-flags, personally and within my marriage, to which my friends, family and co-workers confirmed.

Here is what I was thankful for during this time: 
Sure this wasn't the healthiest of relationships to jump into. I felt yo-yo'd and had anxiety over where this was going, if I cared where this was going, and about the fact that I'd be losing my friend. BUT I am thankful that I got my wild (to me) side out with him. I never feared for my safety and no matter what I did, I did them with him and it wasn't a string of men a mile long. I never felt like I was being irresponsible with my body. Sure, my liver may have taken a beatin' but I never got to have fun like everyone else when I was younger.
Although he wasn't able to emotionally support me the way I wish he would have this forced me to turn to my family and female support system. It also forced me to sometimes just be strong for myself. I can't tell you how many times that huge dolphin got me through some of my roughest nights. So although he may not have always been there physically for me, that gift was one of my most prized possessions at the time.

I get asked by many if #CarGuy and I are still friends. Not really. I feel like maybe we tried shortly after but then neither of us really made any additional effort. I unfollowed him from any social media channels in order to give myself the opportunity to completely disconnect from him. & I didn't know how quickly he'd get back into dating and if he would post about it, I needed to make sure that I protected myself emotionally.

They say everything happens when it is supposed to and for a reason. 11 days later I would meet the next guy I'd date.

xo,
Cel