Celia Brews It Over

Happy October! I hope you are all doing well! & if you're not, remember my inbox is always open. I'm not a licensed anything, but I do declare a judgement free zone and an open ear to listen.

I have taken some time to myself and haven't been blogging much. I've had my own thing that I've needed to work through again, so I got silent, and reflective & I'm here. I'm not sure I will write about it, now or ever. But I want you to know that I am okay, safe, and healthy.



One June 27th, 2017 I saw a new therapist who, although sometimes we butt heads, was exactly the therapist I needed in my life.

I made the decision to see her for the following reasons: 
1. I didn't want to feel the guilt of ending my marriage for the rest of my life.
2. I didn't want to wake up every day feeling like I had DIVORCED stamped on my forehead.
3. I didn't want to care/love my ex-husband anymore.
4. I didn't want to punish myself and/or others who came into my life for his mistakes.
5. I wanted to know how/why I ended up in an abusive marriage and didn't see it.


The Guilt of Ending my Marriage: 
I've mentioned it before, coming from a Hispanic & Catholic family made the decision to end my marriage insanely hard. I worried endlessly about what my family would think. & how disappointed in me they would be. During therapy we went over everything in my marriage and even how the relationship was before marriage. It was here that I learned it wasn't healthy from the beginning. We also went over what was done to try to help/mend the marriage.  In these discussions she helped me get rid of the guilt. I had done everything I could to try to repair/salvage/make our marriage better. I know you may think but Celia, marriage isn't an I think it's a we/us thing. This is true, but when your partner won't work to make things better, change behaviors, respect boundaries, respect your opinion/requests, seek knowledge on how to be a better spouse/partner, then all you can do is focus on your part. Once I realized and I mean really realized that I could not control his behavior, only mine. Then the guilt left me, I had done everything within my power.

Waking up with Divorce stamped on your forehead: 
It may seem completely silly, but, in private conversations I've had with others who have been divorced, you literally wake up in the morning feeling like someone stamped DIVORCED right in the middle of your forehead. It was the first thought on my mind every day. I am divorced. I've gotten divorced. I'm one of those people. My marriage failed. I failed. I can't pinpoint the day, but I just remember thinking one day Hey my first thought today wasn't that I was divorced! I remember the next time I went into my therapy session I said this so happily! It was huge for me!







I had my last therapy session on February 27, 2018.

I didn't expect to walk in there and it be my last day with my therapist. It was a sad moment, but my goodness it was a high five, jump up in the air, I DID IT moment too.

Here is what I learned during my time with her:

1. I shine bright like a diamond. I am a catch & I am in my prime! 
Regardless of the fact that I was dating, I would still catch myself talking down on myself. I knew I was worthy, but I didn't know I was worthy. If that makes any sense at all. My ex-husband had put so much garbage in my head in order to break me down & when I asked him my he loved me the only thing he could give me was "you're hot." - that by the end of it my mind was foggy. Through my sit down sessions with her and chats with my support circle I came to realize and really realize that I'm a freakin' prize! Although I don't currently own my own home, I have a roof over my head that I put there. I have a car that I pay for. I have food I put on my own table. I have a career. Although I don't have a piece of paper for it, I have an education and am a smart cookie! I have a huge heart and goals so big that they scare me. I take care of my body. Self-care and self-love is my number one priority. & I am more than just an object.
2. I can't love a man/be loved by a man who is abusive, an alcoholic or an addict. 
Movies and books make such a love story and fairy tale about a woman with a kind heart healing a broken man. Nah, girl. He needs to heal himself. He has to do the work himself. You can't love a broken man into a good man. I learned that I was entering the same cycle over and over with the men I was choosing to date. At the core, they were the same. I have a caregiver personality & can be an enabler to their behaviors. I learned the abuse cycles & how to gauge the behaviors of others + their habits with alcohol/drugs.   
3. My personality - Type A, Caregiver with a Wild Spirit. Nice Girl.
I am 100% a Type A. I like plans. I like every single moment planned out and could plan my life for the next 10 years and I'd be happy. I'd also trigger my anxiety like whoa!
I have a Caregiver personality that tends to attract the broken. Hence the guys I was attracting in the past.
I have a side of me that conflicts with my Type A personality. I like to throw caution to the wind. I like to go off on adventures whether far or near and just go with the flow. I've got a Wild Spirit.In 2017, I actually threw all plans out the window and did go with the flow. It was nice, but in 2018 I've combined the two.
Nice girl. This was the hardest part of myself to look at. Nice girl, isn't a compliment. I was a door mat not just to men, but in my friendships as well. Eye opening book that I'll do a review on soon, The Nice Girl Syndrome - Stop Being Manipulated and Abused and Start Standing Up for Yourself 
4. Anxiety & Depression. Al-Anon. Red flags.
I was firm that I do not want to be on medications for my anxiety, long term. I do not look down on them or those who do go the medication route. But anxiety and depression are not a one size fits all. & trust me there were some weeks I told my therapist that I just wanted to be given a pill again. I learned that my anxiety, although we thought it was triggered initially because of Hurricane Ike... it was actually the environment I was in when I moved in with my ex-Father-in-Law. He was a functional alcoholic. It continued on when I continued the relationship with my ex-husband & not listening to my gut that it was not a healthy relationship. My anxiety would flare up during my relationships with #CarGuy and #DrummerBoy as a way to tell me caution! caution! red flags! I learned to identify red flags. To keep my eyes open. When I did Al-Anon I learned to ask myself the hard questions and was reminded, I can only control me. Other people's behaviors are not my responsibility or a reflection of myself. I learned that most of the time, when I fall into my anxiety hole... it's usually because I am not engaging in the acts that I know keeps my anxiety under control. I also learned to surround myself with others who are healthy / take control of their own lives. 

I could keep going and going. Therapy was well worth the investment, but I did a lot of work outside of therapy. You can go, but if you don't do the work every single day to heal yourself... you won't see the results. 

If you have any questions at all... please don't be shy, my inbox is always open. 

xo, 
Cel 

My background during this time period: 
Going through a nasty divorce.
Diagnosed as an abused spouse. (Mental & Emotional)
Struggled with anxiety since 2008.
Struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts during my separation and divorce.
Discovered I had lived with a functional alcoholic for 2 years.


Life Coaching: 
My Life Coach's role was to help me get every ounce of my confidence back. She was there to help push me forward in my love life, encourage me in my career, make sure I had a good group of family & friends around all while rediscovering who I was and learning to establish my boundaries. Essentially she was my biggest cheerleader when my whole world was shattered & I didn't think I was deserving of much when I was in my dark hole. She was my biggest cheerleader when dating was going wrong and she empowered me to know that I deserved more. She also taught me how to be savage, and take my own power back when I needed to.

Therapist: 
Couples: As a last ditch effort to save our marriage my ex-husband wanted to do therapy. This was something I had begged him to do for years, but he thought he knew everything so we didn't need to go. During these sessions it was the therapist's job to see if the marriage was salvageable, healthy, and if we were both still in it. We had sessions together and sessions separate. It was during this time that she recognized some of his, less than favorable behavior. In our separate sessions I was able to speak openly and freely. In aligning our stories she was able to tell me that the insecurities I was feeling at certain year marks & my desperation to hold on to my marriage aligned with his confession of an affair with #HomeWrecker. My insecurities was my gut talking to me. I learned here that our gut never lies. It was during this time I was able to tell her that as much as I had wanted to fight for my marriage, I couldn't anymore. I was tired, and I was constantly in a battle with #HomeWrecker since the beginning of our relationship & I was ready to let go. After the divorce was finalized, I learned that our therapist... was an intern. This explained a lot and you'll learn more once I get into what happened during the separation.

Just me: My therapist's role was to help me heal, discover what was going on in my marriage, for how long & the extent of the damage. In the beginning we focused on the here and now, then it moved to my thoughts on the future & find my way back to my faith, then we dug into my past. I learned how to recognize red flags, I learned my personality type, I learned the abuse cycle and I learned the narcissist personality, I learned how to ensure I don't let myself fall into an abusive relationship again & I learned what it is when your gut is talking to you and how to listen to it. I learned about what things in a career would make me happy, I learned that I'm actually an extrovert, I learned I don't have social anxiety, I learned the traits/characteristics that are important for someone I'm dating to have in order for it to be a successful relationship. We also monitored my anxiety and depression. This was important because you don't want to medicate/over medicate when you're dealing with situational anxiety/depression.
Being both Catholic and Hispanic, making the choice to end my marriage and choose myself was a battle. I spent so many moments crying to myself over the duration of about 2 years. I never spoke to anyone about what was going on.

Once it was done, and once I had multiple doctors telling me I exhibited signs of an abused spouse, I knew that I would need help. I didn't want to feel the way I felt for the rest of my life and I didn't want to carry the damage forward into any other relationships I might have. It wouldn't be fair to the new guy to be punished for what had happened in my marriage. I also knew the state I was in wasn't good for my family & friends. I felt like they felt I was a ticking time bomb and had to keep a close watch on me. & to be honest, they did & I was very lucky to have them.

The key to both therapy and life coaching is for you to be open and honest. You have to get very real with yourself. No matter what, you have to own your own actions that have put you  into the place that you currently are, and that can be really hard. Remember that you and your life coach and/or therapist are a team. My therapist and life coach knew about each other, this was helpful because during our sessions they would each ask about each other and ask what the other had to say. This helped them both stay in alignment and getting me on the right healthy path.

Until next time, XO.
-Cel

Today was a big day in my divorce recovery process! A huge day! There comes a time that your therapist thinks you're equipped to fly on your own & today I saw my therapist for the last time.

We haven't had much to talk about my last few sessions, but we have had some breakthroughs during them. We made some connections, and discovered why I was and am the way I am. I'll talk more about these soon as I tell you about my journey with my therapist and my life coach.

Today though, today we figured out my anxiety that I've had since '08 wasn't necessarily linked to Hurricane Ike like I had thought. It may have played a small role, but it came on because of my ex-husband and his ways, and living with my ex-father-in-law, who was a functional alcoholic. I didn't know that at the time, it took dating a couple people who have drug/alcohol addictions (I'll fill you in on why addicts are attracted to me soon.) and me getting involved with Al-Anon at the suggestion of my therapist to piece it all together.

I've been seeing my therapist for 8 months, to the date. The time has flown by. It has been 15 months since my separation and 10 months since my divorce was finalized.

Know that every divorce and recovery process is different. There are so many factors that can speed up and slow down your recovery process. I started the process of gaining my strength and diving into personal development 2 years prior to my separation. I also put in a lot of work outside of therapy to ensure that moving forward I am the best version of myself for myself, my friends, my family, and eventually that special someone.

I'll call on my therapist when I need her & likely see her on an annual basis just to check in.

Today's milestone was something I wasn't expecting, but am so very happy for! I texted my support group as soon as I found out!

Until next time.



Abrazos y besitos,

Celia

One night, at the end of a good girl's night out I walked into Mainline Ink and got my very first tattoo with two of my best girls by my side literally holding my hand.

My tattoo artist, Becca, was the sweetest and made me feel so welcomed and at ease! I couldn't have asked for a better first experience. 

I remember as she started thinking oh my goodness this is happening, this is real, I am going to have a tattoo on my body for the rest of my life!  Ouch, ouch, ouch, and it was over. Whew! I sat with Aiko as she got her semicolon tattoo as well. Then when Shellie was talking to them about an idea she had, I had to sit again because I got light headed, and had a bit of the cold sweats!

The semi colon is to raise awareness on mental health. It means your story is not over yet for anyone who self harms or with anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, and PTSD. You are the author of your own story.

The Ampersand is a broken infinity that reminds people nothing lasts forever, but there's always an AND. A symbol of hope, optimism, and mystery. A reminder to live in the present.

Although not vocalized, because mental health just isn't something our society talks about openly, I've always been an advocate for mental health. There are so many people who need help and are either afraid to ask for it or they just can't afford it. It is no different than someone having a toothache, we should be making sure that we are taking care of our minds too. 

...but here comes the full story on why I chose these as my first tattoos. When I met up with Shellie & Aiko that night I asked them if I could tell them something. I had been contemplating suicide for a few days. I laid on my couch thinking I had some pretty sharp knives in my kitchen. The pain I was feeling inside was like nothing I ever felt before. My heart was beyond broken, my life shattered to pieces, & I had messages on my phone from #HomeWrecker apologizing to me for falling in love with my husband, promising that she didn't leave her husband for mine despite how it looked, and not knowing how she was going to one day come clean to her family that she fell in love with another woman's husband. (I actually came across these messages on my phone the other night while I was looking for photos of my place when I first moved in to write my One Year of Living on My Own post. I've come a long way.)

Anyway, I was looking for a way to end my pain. Nothing I usually do to make myself feel better was working. Suicide sounded like a good option. This way, no one would have to worry about me anymore. I mentioned to them that I thought about getting a tattoo, that maybe the pain of getting a tattoo would momentarily ease the pain that I was feeling. Plus, my ex-husband had always told me he would divorce me if I ever got one. Both girls said "lets do it!" and Shellie found us a tattoo shop to go to at the end of the night! 

I get asked about my tattoos a lot and I love being able to bring light to mental health each time. Even if its just for the moment.

One year ago today, I began breaking the trauma bond with my ex husband after being put on medications to simply help me function. I was paralyzed, I shook uncontrollably, I was vomiting, and I couldn't eat. 

I sat in my lawyer’s office at a conference table with him, and for the first time, someone was witness to the man I saw behind closed doors for years. I remember it like it was yesterday, my lawyer was so concerned for my safety that he held me back in hopes that my ex would be long gone by the time I came out. 

I’m here to tell you that if you are in an abusive relationship/marriage, whether it is mental, emotional, or physical, you can get out and there ARE brighter days ahead. 

It won’t be easy, the pain will be worse than anything you’ve ever felt before, but with a strong support system you CAN do it. 

Choosing yourself is okay & necessary.

I'll be talking to you about the years leading up to me breaking away and making the decision to divorce, my experiance with the separation process + divorce process, the importance of a strong support group, using a therapist and life coach + the difference between the two, dating again, discovering who YOU are, and life after divorce. 

Abrazos y Besitos, 

 Celia