As I mentioned in the last post My Divorce Story: Making the Decision to Divorce & Telling Him he wanted to try therapy.
This was right in the midst of the holiday season, so most therapists weren't available. We finally found one and my gosh was she the sweetest and most empathetic person I had met.
After seeing us together and knowing what was happening inside our house, she suggested we separate for a while to calm down and collect our thoughts.
I was a mess. I couldn't stop crying, I couldn't stop shaking, and I couldn't stop vomiting.
The first separation didn't go so well. Not that any of them did, but I allowed him to come back after just a couple days.
What the therapist didn't tell me was that there was going to be a lot of emotions and I needed to just let them be, don't act on them.
We separated again after just a couple days. The same things happened, I couldn't stop shaking, vomiting or crying when he was around. If he wasn't around, I was sad, but I was calm. I could function.
He was out of the house again, and at his Mom's.
Our agreement with the therapist was that we had no communication. We would be completely separated, and would only talk during our therapy session.
This is not what happened.
He blew up my phone, emails, and chats. He wanted to know where I was, what I was doing, and who I was with at all times. I was completely frustrated because this was not our agreement and definitely didn't make me want to have him back/have contact with him. I should mention that he always contacted me when I was at work. My job is very important to me and I don't really take personal calls there. I would later learn this was a way of him taking a jab at me. He also knew that if I wasn't at work I was likely to be with my best friend, family or #CarGuy. He couldn't have any witnesses to what was going on.
I had called the therapist and told her what was going on, she then proceeded to call him to reiterate what the agreement was.
It would help for maybe 24 hours but then he would be back at it again. We had agreed that if he needed something from the house he could drop by when I was at work. This is how it began, but then he started dropping in whenever he wanted. This included in the middle of the night. He would rummage through my things & he started going through my computer and all my accounts, including finances. Which I had one $500 credit card with no balance on it. I started changing passwords, because how dare he. Eventually I had to start taking my things with me out of the house when I was at work.
This happened multiple times and I finally gave up on reaching out to the therapist.
I had spoken to my lawyer and at this time he had told me to hold on to everything as evidence. Record conversations or have them on speaker, take screen shots, save texts, save voicemails. As much as I wanted to block him, or delete his stuff I needed to hold on to them. Same for the calls and texts from #HomeWrecker. This all could be used in court if I chose not to just walk away. He also told me to keep my communication open with my family and friends. This was so that everyone would know what was going on.
I wasn't doing very well, and my ex-husband had me convinced that I needed to be on medications. I felt that he just wanted me numb. The last time I was on medications for anxiety I felt they turned me into a complete zombie. He called a doctor and made an appointment for me. He wanted to come with me, but I still didn't want to see him.
I went... I walked in... and then... "you are an abused spouse." (I'll elaborate more on this in the next post)
Eventually I would come home, to our marital home, and one day I was kicked off Netflix. He knew that some days the only way I was surviving was by watching the Standup comics. He was watching my Netflix activities. Then another day I would come home and I was kicked off the Spotify account. Another time I came home and the cable had been cut off. & he had the nerve to ask me if I would return the cable boxes to Comcast! I almost did it, but thankfully my friends and family told me absolutely not! He could do it himself. Then he took programs off my laptop!
You guys. We still had joint accounts. It wasn't like he was paying for things himself. WE had these accounts and WE were paying for them. In fact, since I was only paid once a month all bills were paid out of my paycheck & a portion of it went into savings. His was supposed to be used for "play" money.
I was floored.
I was sure that one day I was going to come home and the lights were going to be turned off.
When he discovered that I was keeping texts, photos, emails and voicemails and that friends/family knew exactly what was happening he was livid.
He tried to threaten to kick me out of the house.
Thankfully I had the lawyer, and it was explained to me that:
1. It's the marital home.
2. He left.
3. Our joint bank account was paying for the mortgage.
Therefore he had no grounds and I could not be kicked out of the house.
On February 11th 2017, I finally was in a position that I was no longer paralyzed & I formally filed for divorce.
On February 15th 2017, I was tired of him violating our agreements and my privacy & I signed a lease on my first place, alone. (I'll explain why I decided to live on my own shortly).
