Celia Brews It Over

Not even two weeks after I got my first tattoo at Mainline Ink, I was back to see Becca for my second tattoo.

It was the eve of my divorce finalization and my best-friend had come down to have dinner and spend the night with me because she was going to attend my court date with me.

We went to dinner first, dinner. I had told her about the amazing strawberry margarita at LongHorn Steakhouse along with their Molten Lava Cake. We had to have both. Mistake y'all. We should have shared the margarita and we should have eaten something to coat our stomachs because holy sugar overload!

Afterwards we went by Torchy's to grab a taco. The guy I was dating at the time, #CarGuy, happened to be there, but I got the cold shoulder. This should have been a major red flag for me...

Aiko and I had been talking about this tattoo. I knew I wanted something with a bird and a cage, something that symbolized me breaking away, something to remind me that I am free & to never allow myself to be controlled again. We had searched pinterest for some ideas and then came up with a blend of our own.

We found the perfect birdcage and birdie flying out, then we came up with having the bird cage hanging off of the word "Libre" , Spanish for Free. It was perfect!

We messaged Becca to see if she could get me in that night and I stalked my phone like crazy! I needed this tattoo. Boop. Becca messaged back that she was free! Whoo!

Y'all. I thought this tattoo would be easier. But, I guess since my emotions were already pretty high, and I was overloaded with sugar I threw up, and blacked out for a moment. My best-friend and Becca had accidentally hit me with the trashcan and I didn't feel it or remember it. Ha! I also think I forgot to breathe for a little bit. Remember to breathe, y'all!


I have a couple other tattoos that I want but design and placement isn't nailed down yet. Also, I don't want to pass out or throw up again! Ha!

Today was a big day in my divorce recovery process! A huge day! There comes a time that your therapist thinks you're equipped to fly on your own & today I saw my therapist for the last time.

We haven't had much to talk about my last few sessions, but we have had some breakthroughs during them. We made some connections, and discovered why I was and am the way I am. I'll talk more about these soon as I tell you about my journey with my therapist and my life coach.

Today though, today we figured out my anxiety that I've had since '08 wasn't necessarily linked to Hurricane Ike like I had thought. It may have played a small role, but it came on because of my ex-husband and his ways, and living with my ex-father-in-law, who was a functional alcoholic. I didn't know that at the time, it took dating a couple people who have drug/alcohol addictions (I'll fill you in on why addicts are attracted to me soon.) and me getting involved with Al-Anon at the suggestion of my therapist to piece it all together.

I've been seeing my therapist for 8 months, to the date. The time has flown by. It has been 15 months since my separation and 10 months since my divorce was finalized.

Know that every divorce and recovery process is different. There are so many factors that can speed up and slow down your recovery process. I started the process of gaining my strength and diving into personal development 2 years prior to my separation. I also put in a lot of work outside of therapy to ensure that moving forward I am the best version of myself for myself, my friends, my family, and eventually that special someone.

I'll call on my therapist when I need her & likely see her on an annual basis just to check in.

Today's milestone was something I wasn't expecting, but am so very happy for! I texted my support group as soon as I found out!

Until next time.



Abrazos y besitos,

Celia

One night, at the end of a good girl's night out I walked into Mainline Ink and got my very first tattoo with two of my best girls by my side literally holding my hand.

My tattoo artist, Becca, was the sweetest and made me feel so welcomed and at ease! I couldn't have asked for a better first experience. 

I remember as she started thinking oh my goodness this is happening, this is real, I am going to have a tattoo on my body for the rest of my life!  Ouch, ouch, ouch, and it was over. Whew! I sat with Aiko as she got her semicolon tattoo as well. Then when Shellie was talking to them about an idea she had, I had to sit again because I got light headed, and had a bit of the cold sweats!

The semi colon is to raise awareness on mental health. It means your story is not over yet for anyone who self harms or with anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, and PTSD. You are the author of your own story.

The Ampersand is a broken infinity that reminds people nothing lasts forever, but there's always an AND. A symbol of hope, optimism, and mystery. A reminder to live in the present.

Although not vocalized, because mental health just isn't something our society talks about openly, I've always been an advocate for mental health. There are so many people who need help and are either afraid to ask for it or they just can't afford it. It is no different than someone having a toothache, we should be making sure that we are taking care of our minds too. 

...but here comes the full story on why I chose these as my first tattoos. When I met up with Shellie & Aiko that night I asked them if I could tell them something. I had been contemplating suicide for a few days. I laid on my couch thinking I had some pretty sharp knives in my kitchen. The pain I was feeling inside was like nothing I ever felt before. My heart was beyond broken, my life shattered to pieces, & I had messages on my phone from #HomeWrecker apologizing to me for falling in love with my husband, promising that she didn't leave her husband for mine despite how it looked, and not knowing how she was going to one day come clean to her family that she fell in love with another woman's husband. (I actually came across these messages on my phone the other night while I was looking for photos of my place when I first moved in to write my One Year of Living on My Own post. I've come a long way.)

Anyway, I was looking for a way to end my pain. Nothing I usually do to make myself feel better was working. Suicide sounded like a good option. This way, no one would have to worry about me anymore. I mentioned to them that I thought about getting a tattoo, that maybe the pain of getting a tattoo would momentarily ease the pain that I was feeling. Plus, my ex-husband had always told me he would divorce me if I ever got one. Both girls said "lets do it!" and Shellie found us a tattoo shop to go to at the end of the night! 

I get asked about my tattoos a lot and I love being able to bring light to mental health each time. Even if its just for the moment.

I find it fitting that National Margarita Day marks one year of living on my own post-separation+divorce. My friends know that I can hardly resist a good margarita!



Last year I started moving into my apartment on this very day. My Dad and his friend moved all the heavy stuff right away and then my best friend and I started moving all the little things. There were so many trips for what little I was taking with me! Then again, our moving vehicles were a Mini Cooper and a Jetta!

We took a break for lunch to meet up with #CarGuy at Torchy's. It was just supposed to be a taco and a margarita, then back to moving. Yea, we were drunk in no time. It was National Margarita Day! I even bought an entertainment center that night and didn't remember what I bought the next day. It was a fun and memorable day nonetheless.

I'll admit, I was scared shitless to live on my own. I never had before, sure I had major adult financial responsibilities earlier than anyone else I know. But, I had never lived on my own. I went from my parents house, to living with my ex-husband. I was on my own for the first time, at 32.

Originally I was going to move out in December of 2016, but when it came down to it I was paralyzed & couldn't stop throwing up when I would try to do anything. This would be why I lost 40lbs during the separation phase. I think what made this move easier and doable was in December, no one knew, I didn't have much support. By February 2017, my friends and family knew about my plans for divorce and supported me 100%. I started forming my support group, and let me tell you, they were my strength!




A few months later I ordered a bed-frame from Wayfair (obsessed with this app!) and picked up some cute decorative pillows from Target!


I have an obsession with maps and globes, so I ordered a tapestry from Amazon to hang in my living room. It really made my place feel like it was mine.


I'm so happy that my first place felt like home immediately, and it took my little furnuggets no time at all to settle in.

In this home, I learned that I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for & I can't hang anything without adding numerous holes in the wall, no matter how many names I measured! I hosted my parents for dinners, had girls nights and sleepovers with my bestie, hosted family for lunches, and took time to care for myself. Nights cuddled up on the couch with a candle lit, a good book and my furbabes in my lap, those were my favorite. This place was my sanctuary.

It wasn't all happy moments in my new home, there were many breakdowns, days/nights lying on the kitchen/bedroom floor thinking I was never going to make it through this. Days I didn't think I could get out of bed. It was all just a part of the grieving process, with time, and with a strong support group surrounding me those days/nights became less and less.

Now, my place is slowly being packed up and I'll soon have my second home. I hope I love it just as much.

Valentine's Day. Some people love it, others hate it. Where do you fall?

I used to roll my eyes at it, but now, I love it. Mainly because all things during this time are red, pink, sparkly, and full of hearts. I love love. & proven by the last two guys I dated, I know what it's like to be treated well.

The only thing I do not like is the pressure and stress that is caused by this day for everything to be perfect. Not to mention some retailers and restaurants hike up their prices.

My Life Coach called me at the beginning of the week to see how I was doing and if there was anything I needed to talk over. My move is all there was to talk about!

My therapist scheduled my session this month to fall the day before Valentine's Day just in case this day would be a trigger for me. I had told her in our last session I didn't feel it would be. My ex-husband and I didn't really celebrate the holiday so it's not like I would be missing a special delivery at work, gifts at home, or a special dinner.

Just as we thought it was just another day. I had a busy day at work and ended up working late. When I got home I hopped into the shower, used my favorite bath and facial products to unwind from the day, then did a few things around my place to prep for some packing for my upcoming move. I ended the night cuddled up on the couch with Angel to watch an episode of our favorite TV show, Greys. Next thing you know, I was in a deep sleep. I even went to bed without dinner, I was that tired!

On my weekly meetup with my best friend I remember telling her "I'm the happiest I've ever been, and I'm single!" Learning to be alone and like it is probably the best gift you can give yourself.

Here are my best do's and don'ts for the day.

Things to do: 
1.) Buy yourself (or send to a single friend) flowers, a present, a card. - I purchased the cutest cards to send out to my best girls, but they came in too late. So, I will save them for next year. I also gifted myself a Tree of Life ring, in rose gold, that I'm in love with.
2.) Plan a long workout - get those endorphins going! Endorphins trigger all those positive feels.
3.) Plan a girls night out (or in) with your single lady friends. - Hello Galentine's Day!
4.) Cook your favorite dinner/Bake your favorite dessert. 
5.) Have your lifeline, life coach, or therapist on speed dial if you feel like this day could be a bad trigger for you.
6.) Gift yourself a spa day/weekend. - There's nothing that puts me in a great mood than some self care!


Things to avoid: 
1.) Contacting/Answering your ex. - Mine is blocked on all phone lines. It's best to cut that cord, it'll help with your healing process. Trust me.
2.) Social media stalking your ex. - Again, mine is blocked on any social media outlets that I know of. No good can come of this.
3.) Establishments that will be full of couples. - although you may be happy for others, sometimes you don't need to risk the possible trigger.

If you fall apart on this day, don't beat yourself up. Lean into your feelings, give yourself a minute to cry it all out, but then pick yourself up and go do something you like.

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Angel is my 17 year old tuxedo. I've had him since he was 4 weeks old.

Angel was discovered by my Mom one morning, she heard a kitten crying and he came out from under her car. His cat mom had abandoned him. We took him to the vet and he told us he was so badly infested with ring worms that had we of waited a day longer, he would have died. I remember spending the last little bit of money I had to buy his medications. This was going to be my cat.

The vet told us he had to be separated from everyone, even humans, because you didn't want the ringworms to spread. I couldn't fathom having this little 4 week old kitten sleeping all by himself while he was sick. I slept with him on my chest in our spare bedroom until he was all better.

Fast forward, he loved my Mom more than me. & he loved my Dad to carry him around the house over his shoulder.

In 2008 when Hurricane Ike hit the Gulf Coast, my family lost everything causing us to split up as a family. Angel was one to come with me.

A couple years ago I found myself rushing Angel to the kitty ER a couple times. His bladder was the size of a softball the first time, and a golf ball the second time. After another small incident 3 different vets recommended we do a Perineal Urethrostomy. You guys I felt like this was the longest recovery period ever. It was scary. I'm happy to report that he recovered nicely and is happy and healthy.

In 2016 I separated from my ex-husband and Angel stayed with me. I swear he knew how badly I was hurting. I felt like him and his companion made it their mission to get me out of bed each day.

Angel has been through lots of life events with me & we are about to pickup our things and create a new and better life for ourselves.

He really is the most perfect cat. He sleeps in my arms every night, and sometimes still tries to fit on my chest. If I don't wake up when he wants to cuddle under the blankets I get a little nip on my arm!

He likes to sit in the sunlight and is obsessed with his Yeowww Catnip toys.

We lost his companion who was 16 years old shortly after Christmas  in 2017 to a blood cot that lodged itself on her spine and caused her to become paralyzed. She was the one that greeted me at the door every night when I came home from work, but now Angel does. Since then he has also become more chatty, but he's currently still mourning her.

We will be okay, just the two of us.

Hugs!
Celia

A woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life. - Coco Chanel

Last Tuesday evening I met with my hairstylist, Krisanne, I needed a change. We had been talking about it for a little while, but it was time.

I told her I wanted to work my way back to the ombre I had years ago, if that was still in style and I was thinking about lightening my hair a little. Y'all. When my gray hairs come in they scream because my hair is so dark!

She asked if I was keeping the length and I showed her a cut I liked, next thing you know she had chopped my longest layer off! We were pushing forward with that cut! Ha! No take backs!

I'm so happy with my cut and color. I feel like a completely different woman, I don't quite know how to carry myself with the shorter colored hair, but I do feel like I shed off the chaos of 2017! I haven't had a moment of regret and am so excited for my upcoming big move 50 miles out west!
 


Hugs!
Celia

One year ago today, I began breaking the trauma bond with my ex husband after being put on medications to simply help me function. I was paralyzed, I shook uncontrollably, I was vomiting, and I couldn't eat. 

I sat in my lawyer’s office at a conference table with him, and for the first time, someone was witness to the man I saw behind closed doors for years. I remember it like it was yesterday, my lawyer was so concerned for my safety that he held me back in hopes that my ex would be long gone by the time I came out. 

I’m here to tell you that if you are in an abusive relationship/marriage, whether it is mental, emotional, or physical, you can get out and there ARE brighter days ahead. 

It won’t be easy, the pain will be worse than anything you’ve ever felt before, but with a strong support system you CAN do it. 

Choosing yourself is okay & necessary.

I'll be talking to you about the years leading up to me breaking away and making the decision to divorce, my experiance with the separation process + divorce process, the importance of a strong support group, using a therapist and life coach + the difference between the two, dating again, discovering who YOU are, and life after divorce. 

Abrazos y Besitos, 

 Celia