Making the decision to divorce my ex-husband was about a 2 year process for me. It was a decision I didn't make lightly and I really struggled with it. I'm Hispanic and my family is Catholic. Marriage is sacred.

Thoughts ran through my head like:
"What will my parents think?" 
"What will the rest of the family think?" 
"What will our friends think?"
"We have been together so long, maybe this is just a rough patch."
"Maybe if I could just be better" 
"Maybe I'm just being a woman." 
"Maybe I should just try harder." 
"What if I could just love him more?" 
"No one will love him unconditionally the way I do."
"No one is going to prepare 3 meals daily nearly every day like I do AND hold a full time job! He will starve!" 

Looking back, our marriage was doomed from the beginning. Sure, we had been together a long time but our core values, hopes, dreams & faith didn't line up. Eventually I outgrew him.


We didn't even have the support of his family.

I remember him telling me that his Dad told him "It'll never work out. You are my Son, and she is your Mother." 

Friends told me that when they congratulated him on our engagement he told them "Eh, we have been together a long time. She was expecting it." 

We never had that honeymoon period. Our marriage was rough from the beginning & although I pretended to be excited leading up to the marriage, there was something looming over it the whole time. It didn't feel right. I've since learned, that was my gut and I should have listened to it.

Within our first year of marriage I started reading marriage books and articles on how to be a better wife. No matter what I did, it wasn't right and our marriage wasn't getting better. I dived into personal development as a whole thinking that if I could just be a better person overall then it would transform my marriage.

 During the last year of our marriage I started reading articles about when you know it's time for divorce written by divorce therapists, attorneys, and divorcees. As I read them my heart broke because I could check off everything on their lists. I never spoke to anyone about my marriage, which looking back I wish I would have. I felt very alone.

I had already been feeling like I was a shell of a person. Like I had lost myself in my marriage, but I thought this is just how it is.

It wasn't until one day at a tailgate #CarGuy asked me what was wrong. & of course I told him, nothing. There was honestly was nothing wrong, but he knew me pretty well and we had our times that we hung out just the two of us. He was the first person to speak up and say red flag! "You act differently when you're alone vs when you're with him." I asked couple close girlfriends and mentors and to my surprise they confirmed #CarGuy's statement. It was at this time that I started to learn that I/we had lost friends because people did not want to watch what was happening.

During the last year we had many mini blowouts. & everything began to irritate me about him. I was highly upset because this was the man I had chosen as my husband. The man I loved more than I loved myself. How could this be happening? The last 6 months were agonizing because I no longer wanted to make memories with him. I'd wish for plans to be cancelled and I would do what I could to engulf myself in my hobbies. I also slept on the couch for months...

I had already met with my lawyer about a month before I told him I wanted a divorce. My lawyer was helpful in letting me know what I needed to do to prepare, and what I needed to watch for during the separation. He explained to me what was rightfully mine, but honestly I was just tired and wanted to walk away.

I thought at this point, if I walked away, we wouldn't hate each other.

The day I told him was mid-day during a work week. I had someone who knew nothing about my marriage chime in that I was being too critical and wasn't giving him a chance to be a good husband.

While I was driving home that kept lingering on my mind and I almost continued to try, but, the reality of it was that he had nearly 12 years to be the partner I needed and if he hadn't changed/grown during that time I knew he wasn't going to.

The actual telling is short, just hard to do. I mentioned above it was a 2 year process for me. We sat down when I got home, and I saw hope in his eyes. He wanted to work on our marriage. See a therapist. For me. I had been working my butt off, alone. I couldn't anymore.

My heart sunk as I said "I want a divorce." & then my heart shattered.