Happy October! I hope you are all doing well! & if you're not, remember my inbox is always open. I'm not a licensed anything, but I do declare a judgement free zone and an open ear to listen.
I have taken some time to myself and haven't been blogging much. I've had my own thing that I've needed to work through again, so I got silent, and reflective & I'm here. I'm not sure I will write about it, now or ever. But I want you to know that I am okay, safe, and healthy.
One June 27th, 2017 I saw a new therapist who, although sometimes we butt heads, was exactly the therapist I needed in my life.
I made the decision to see her for the following reasons:
1. I didn't want to feel the guilt of ending my marriage for the rest of my life.
2. I didn't want to wake up every day feeling like I had DIVORCED stamped on my forehead.
3. I didn't want to care/love my ex-husband anymore.
4. I didn't want to punish myself and/or others who came into my life for his mistakes.
5. I wanted to know how/why I ended up in an abusive marriage and didn't see it.
The Guilt of Ending my Marriage:
I've mentioned it before, coming from a Hispanic & Catholic family made the decision to end my marriage insanely hard. I worried endlessly about what my family would think. & how disappointed in me they would be. During therapy we went over everything in my marriage and even how the relationship was before marriage. It was here that I learned it wasn't healthy from the beginning. We also went over what was done to try to help/mend the marriage. In these discussions she helped me get rid of the guilt. I had done everything I could to try to repair/salvage/make our marriage better. I know you may think but Celia, marriage isn't an I think it's a we/us thing. This is true, but when your partner won't work to make things better, change behaviors, respect boundaries, respect your opinion/requests, seek knowledge on how to be a better spouse/partner, then all you can do is focus on your part. Once I realized and I mean really realized that I could not control his behavior, only mine. Then the guilt left me, I had done everything within my power.
Waking up with Divorce stamped on your forehead:
It may seem completely silly, but, in private conversations I've had with others who have been divorced, you literally wake up in the morning feeling like someone stamped DIVORCED right in the middle of your forehead. It was the first thought on my mind every day. I am divorced. I've gotten divorced. I'm one of those people. My marriage failed. I failed. I can't pinpoint the day, but I just remember thinking one day Hey my first thought today wasn't that I was divorced! I remember the next time I went into my therapy session I said this so happily! It was huge for me!
I had my last therapy session on February 27, 2018.
I didn't expect to walk in there and it be my last day with my therapist. It was a sad moment, but my goodness it was a high five, jump up in the air, I DID IT moment too.
Here is what I learned during my time with her:
1. I shine bright like a diamond. I am a catch & I am in my prime!
Regardless of the fact that I was dating, I would still catch myself talking down on myself. I knew I was worthy, but I didn't know I was worthy. If that makes any sense at all. My ex-husband had put so much garbage in my head in order to break me down & when I asked him my he loved me the only thing he could give me was "you're hot." - that by the end of it my mind was foggy. Through my sit down sessions with her and chats with my support circle I came to realize and really realize that I'm a freakin' prize! Although I don't currently own my own home, I have a roof over my head that I put there. I have a car that I pay for. I have food I put on my own table. I have a career. Although I don't have a piece of paper for it, I have an education and am a smart cookie! I have a huge heart and goals so big that they scare me. I take care of my body. Self-care and self-love is my number one priority. & I am more than just an object.
2. I can't love a man/be loved by a man who is abusive, an alcoholic or an addict.
Movies and books make such a love story and fairy tale about a woman with a kind heart healing a broken man. Nah, girl. He needs to heal himself. He has to do the work himself. You can't love a broken man into a good man. I learned that I was entering the same cycle over and over with the men I was choosing to date. At the core, they were the same. I have a caregiver personality & can be an enabler to their behaviors. I learned the abuse cycles & how to gauge the behaviors of others + their habits with alcohol/drugs.
3. My personality - Type A, Caregiver with a Wild Spirit. Nice Girl.
I am 100% a Type A. I like plans. I like every single moment planned out and could plan my life for the next 10 years and I'd be happy. I'd also trigger my anxiety like whoa!
I have a Caregiver personality that tends to attract the broken. Hence the guys I was attracting in the past.
I have a side of me that conflicts with my Type A personality. I like to throw caution to the wind. I like to go off on adventures whether far or near and just go with the flow. I've got a Wild Spirit.In 2017, I actually threw all plans out the window and did go with the flow. It was nice, but in 2018 I've combined the two.
Nice girl. This was the hardest part of myself to look at. Nice girl, isn't a compliment. I was a door mat not just to men, but in my friendships as well. Eye opening book that I'll do a review on soon, The Nice Girl Syndrome - Stop Being Manipulated and Abused and Start Standing Up for Yourself
4. Anxiety & Depression. Al-Anon. Red flags.
I was firm that I do not want to be on medications for my anxiety, long term. I do not look down on them or those who do go the medication route. But anxiety and depression are not a one size fits all. & trust me there were some weeks I told my therapist that I just wanted to be given a pill again. I learned that my anxiety, although we thought it was triggered initially because of Hurricane Ike... it was actually the environment I was in when I moved in with my ex-Father-in-Law. He was a functional alcoholic. It continued on when I continued the relationship with my ex-husband & not listening to my gut that it was not a healthy relationship. My anxiety would flare up during my relationships with #CarGuy and #DrummerBoy as a way to tell me caution! caution! red flags! I learned to identify red flags. To keep my eyes open. When I did Al-Anon I learned to ask myself the hard questions and was reminded, I can only control me. Other people's behaviors are not my responsibility or a reflection of myself. I learned that most of the time, when I fall into my anxiety hole... it's usually because I am not engaging in the acts that I know keeps my anxiety under control. I also learned to surround myself with others who are healthy / take control of their own lives.
I could keep going and going. Therapy was well worth the investment, but I did a lot of work outside of therapy. You can go, but if you don't do the work every single day to heal yourself... you won't see the results.
If you have any questions at all... please don't be shy, my inbox is always open.
xo,
Cel
I have taken some time to myself and haven't been blogging much. I've had my own thing that I've needed to work through again, so I got silent, and reflective & I'm here. I'm not sure I will write about it, now or ever. But I want you to know that I am okay, safe, and healthy.
One June 27th, 2017 I saw a new therapist who, although sometimes we butt heads, was exactly the therapist I needed in my life.
I made the decision to see her for the following reasons:
1. I didn't want to feel the guilt of ending my marriage for the rest of my life.
2. I didn't want to wake up every day feeling like I had DIVORCED stamped on my forehead.
3. I didn't want to care/love my ex-husband anymore.
4. I didn't want to punish myself and/or others who came into my life for his mistakes.
5. I wanted to know how/why I ended up in an abusive marriage and didn't see it.
The Guilt of Ending my Marriage:
I've mentioned it before, coming from a Hispanic & Catholic family made the decision to end my marriage insanely hard. I worried endlessly about what my family would think. & how disappointed in me they would be. During therapy we went over everything in my marriage and even how the relationship was before marriage. It was here that I learned it wasn't healthy from the beginning. We also went over what was done to try to help/mend the marriage. In these discussions she helped me get rid of the guilt. I had done everything I could to try to repair/salvage/make our marriage better. I know you may think but Celia, marriage isn't an I think it's a we/us thing. This is true, but when your partner won't work to make things better, change behaviors, respect boundaries, respect your opinion/requests, seek knowledge on how to be a better spouse/partner, then all you can do is focus on your part. Once I realized and I mean really realized that I could not control his behavior, only mine. Then the guilt left me, I had done everything within my power.
Waking up with Divorce stamped on your forehead:
It may seem completely silly, but, in private conversations I've had with others who have been divorced, you literally wake up in the morning feeling like someone stamped DIVORCED right in the middle of your forehead. It was the first thought on my mind every day. I am divorced. I've gotten divorced. I'm one of those people. My marriage failed. I failed. I can't pinpoint the day, but I just remember thinking one day Hey my first thought today wasn't that I was divorced! I remember the next time I went into my therapy session I said this so happily! It was huge for me!
I didn't want to care / love my ex-husband anymore.
Regardless of the fact that I was the one that walked away. I still cared for and loved my ex-husband. But, I didn't want to. When I say love, don't mistake that for in love. My therapist helped me figure out why I had these feelings (trauma bonds & feeling sorry for him) and then helped me know that it was okay to let go. He was no longer my husband, no longer a part of my life. Not my monkey, not my circus. I didn't need to care or love him anymore. The best way I've heard this described is it's like mourning the death of someone who is still alive. I remember the week I realized I only cared about him as I would care for a stranger, I sat in my car after dinner with my #LifeLine & told her OMG I don't love him anymore. I don't care! I wish him well, but there are no feelings! This was huge for me in my recovery process.
I am going to be single forever, by choice.
One of the hardest things for me to grasp onto was when my therapist told me "men like him know exactly what they're doing." I have this naive way of thinking that all people are good, deep down in their core. & if you can just love them enough, they'll shine through. I believe(d) that people don't intentionally hurt you, it must be by accident. As I was learning the abuse cycle, and as I was learning my way of thinking was/is naive... I thought to myself that I just wanted to be single. Maybe just have some fun (I can't just have fun, I think my heart is located in my vagina...) , but not the type of fun where I hurt people, because I don't want to hurt people. The more I thought about it, the more I thought. If I do that. If I stay single, deny myself the love and happiness I deserve. I don't heal, I continue to hurt myself & he wins. This is my story. My life. I get to win. I get to be happy on my own. I get to heal. & I get to have my happily ever after.
How/Why did I end up in an abusive marriage & not see it?
This stage was hard. I had to get really honest with myself. I had seen the red flags. Friends had seen the red flags and subtly made comments. I ignored them. I turned my cheek I didn't listen to my gut. I became a door mat. I was also naive thinking I could change him. Not by trying to change him in a direct manner, but thinking that if he watched me making the changes, then he would follow along. If I was happier on my journey to becoming a better person, he would see that and would want the same for himself. Instead, the opposite happened. The more I filled up my cup, the more he tried to knock over my cup. Then my mindset was thinking if I could just love him more... you can't love a man like this. I could write a book about the things that went on, but to be honest - this article and this site describes it vividly. It's as if she was watching my life.
I had my last therapy session on February 27, 2018.
I didn't expect to walk in there and it be my last day with my therapist. It was a sad moment, but my goodness it was a high five, jump up in the air, I DID IT moment too.
Here is what I learned during my time with her:
1. I shine bright like a diamond. I am a catch & I am in my prime!
Regardless of the fact that I was dating, I would still catch myself talking down on myself. I knew I was worthy, but I didn't know I was worthy. If that makes any sense at all. My ex-husband had put so much garbage in my head in order to break me down & when I asked him my he loved me the only thing he could give me was "you're hot." - that by the end of it my mind was foggy. Through my sit down sessions with her and chats with my support circle I came to realize and really realize that I'm a freakin' prize! Although I don't currently own my own home, I have a roof over my head that I put there. I have a car that I pay for. I have food I put on my own table. I have a career. Although I don't have a piece of paper for it, I have an education and am a smart cookie! I have a huge heart and goals so big that they scare me. I take care of my body. Self-care and self-love is my number one priority. & I am more than just an object.
2. I can't love a man/be loved by a man who is abusive, an alcoholic or an addict.
Movies and books make such a love story and fairy tale about a woman with a kind heart healing a broken man. Nah, girl. He needs to heal himself. He has to do the work himself. You can't love a broken man into a good man. I learned that I was entering the same cycle over and over with the men I was choosing to date. At the core, they were the same. I have a caregiver personality & can be an enabler to their behaviors. I learned the abuse cycles & how to gauge the behaviors of others + their habits with alcohol/drugs.
3. My personality - Type A, Caregiver with a Wild Spirit. Nice Girl.
I am 100% a Type A. I like plans. I like every single moment planned out and could plan my life for the next 10 years and I'd be happy. I'd also trigger my anxiety like whoa!
I have a Caregiver personality that tends to attract the broken. Hence the guys I was attracting in the past.
I have a side of me that conflicts with my Type A personality. I like to throw caution to the wind. I like to go off on adventures whether far or near and just go with the flow. I've got a Wild Spirit.In 2017, I actually threw all plans out the window and did go with the flow. It was nice, but in 2018 I've combined the two.
Nice girl. This was the hardest part of myself to look at. Nice girl, isn't a compliment. I was a door mat not just to men, but in my friendships as well. Eye opening book that I'll do a review on soon, The Nice Girl Syndrome - Stop Being Manipulated and Abused and Start Standing Up for Yourself
4. Anxiety & Depression. Al-Anon. Red flags.
I was firm that I do not want to be on medications for my anxiety, long term. I do not look down on them or those who do go the medication route. But anxiety and depression are not a one size fits all. & trust me there were some weeks I told my therapist that I just wanted to be given a pill again. I learned that my anxiety, although we thought it was triggered initially because of Hurricane Ike... it was actually the environment I was in when I moved in with my ex-Father-in-Law. He was a functional alcoholic. It continued on when I continued the relationship with my ex-husband & not listening to my gut that it was not a healthy relationship. My anxiety would flare up during my relationships with #CarGuy and #DrummerBoy as a way to tell me caution! caution! red flags! I learned to identify red flags. To keep my eyes open. When I did Al-Anon I learned to ask myself the hard questions and was reminded, I can only control me. Other people's behaviors are not my responsibility or a reflection of myself. I learned that most of the time, when I fall into my anxiety hole... it's usually because I am not engaging in the acts that I know keeps my anxiety under control. I also learned to surround myself with others who are healthy / take control of their own lives.
I could keep going and going. Therapy was well worth the investment, but I did a lot of work outside of therapy. You can go, but if you don't do the work every single day to heal yourself... you won't see the results.
If you have any questions at all... please don't be shy, my inbox is always open.
xo,
Cel
